Oh, don’t I wish I were kidding.
To place it in a needlessly grandiloquent manner, one might say it takes an implausibly substantial amount of inane choices and equally senseless actions to drive me to the brink. In other words, I’m a pretty chill person and I don’t easily get frustrated by literary characters. I even scratched Maria Clara off my list as I slowly grasped the fact that she just happened to be a woman of her time, a product of then-societal expectations—to say the least.
Don’t get me wrong: as a self-confessed airhead, I understand that moments of ineptitude and foolishness are inevitable in dire situations. I mean, in a horror movie, I’m probably that useless dummy who keeps tripping on tree roots. But these characters take bad decisions to a whole new level, skedaddling off the face of common sense and courting both danger and irrationality.
So in no particular order, I give you:
1. Tatiana from Wildwood Dancing (Wildwood #1) by Juliet Marillier
Tatiana or Tati as she is fondly called is the eldest and fairest sister in this retelling of the Twelve Dancing Princesses. Basically, she seems like Meg from Little Women. But besides being the oldest, prettiest, and most gentle, they have nothing else in common. Because unlike Meg, who places sisters before misters, Tati could care less what happens to her siblings and treats her love interest like he’s the center of her universe and her only reason to live. Quite literally, in fact.
Forget that she’s the eldest and therefore she has a responsibility to take care of her younger siblings. Forget that the main character, Jena the second eldest, has to carry the weight of keeping her family intact on her shoulder alone. Forget that Jena has to protect her sisters and at the same time ward off unwanted advances while the dreamy Tati simply gallivants with the love of her life. No, forget it all. Because for Tati, only the guy she likes matters.
The saddest and perhaps most infuriating part about her is that she was of no help at all. If anything, she’s the source of most problems. Jena spends her time warning Tati of her otherworldly lover and going through some tough shiznit. It never even entered Tati’s mind that Jena and her sisters need a hand.
Spoiler: like the smart little dainty teacup that she is, she figured that if she couldn’t be with her lover, she might as well just lie on her bed, refuse to eat, and pretty much waste her life. She drives the plot forward this way as Jena does her darn hardest to save her sister. Ironically, the guy Tati likes is getting beaten black and blue just so he could be with her and she’s just there, throwing her life away. Of course, she hasn’t—and couldn’t, with her puny lovesick brain of hers—realize that all the sacrifices her lover—and her sisters—makes are futile if she dies.
2. Joseph Sandrin from the Three Dark Crowns by Kendare Blake
If it’s possible to have grade-A douchebag as a profession, I’m pretty sure Joseph is at the top of his game. What do you do once you’re reunited with the love of your life who you haven’t seen in five years? If the answer is sleep with a princess, assure your girlfriend you still love her, cheat on her in front of her eyes; then meet Joseph, your new best friend.
There is no shortage of lying, cheating scumbags in books, but unlike most of them, Joseph isn’t painted as some no-good philanderer in the first few pages. He was a good guy who did a righteous thing*. But after a fast-paced turn of events, it’s like he just threw his morals out the window once he sees a beautiful princess. I get it, she saved your life. You’re in a dark, cold place somewhere shivering and drenched. But, dude, she’s an (spoiler) elemental—aka almost like an Airbender with a heavy, solid stress on “almost”—who can freaking make fire. On that note, I’m sure there are a whole lot of ways to “warm up.”
The worse thing is he almost seems genuine with his cheating, like “poor little me, conflicted and torn between two strong, beautiful women.” I’m not an advice columnist, but here’s a tip: “Why not be a selfish, horny asshole and pick one?” Just a tip.
Jules, the girlfriend he’s cheating on, is one of the most badass, independent, awesomely loyal female characters in the book, and it’s maddening to see her dejected because of this guy. Joseph always keeps reassuring her that he loves her but keeps coming back to the princess anyways. Another spoiler: he might have even indirectly caused the deterioration of what little left of the two main character’s familial relationship.
*That I cannot disclose.
3. Lucia Damora from the Falling Kingdoms series by Morgan Rhodes
To be fair, a little disclaimer: I haven’t read the fifth book and I tend to skip most of her parts.
From simply reading the premise, I deduced I would like Magnus and Lucia better than I would Cleo and Jonas. Lucia’s got powers and she’s not pampered like Cleo, and Magnus’s story, which is à la Game of Thrones *cough* Lannisters *cough,* seems hella interesting from afar. Then I finally delved into the book and boy was I wrong.
Magnus’s brooding was getting on my nerves and Lucia, well, she felt like another bland character whose most striking characteristic is her face and that she’s beautiful and probably doesn’t know it. The only thing was though Cleo was also a transcendently attractive character who has guys practically falling down her feet, except she’s not a Mary Sue and actually does something relevant.
When Lucia finally does something large-scale by the end of the book, it was fatal and destructive. Spoiler: she pretty much caused the death of a lot of people and the invasion of a once-prosperous kingdom.
Magnus easily redeemed himself in the succeeding books, so much that he and Cleo were a few of my most favorite characters in the novels. Lucia, you ask? She’s added to the list of pretty, besotted characters who cares about nothing and no one else except their significant other.
I get that she’s only learning how to use her powers, but I find that there’s something particularly spiteful underneath when she uses them—like there’s some bloodlust crawling below the surface. Strangely enough, she will actually release a bagful of spite later.
In the first few novels, she was just an unbelievably lackluster character I can’t give two cents about. But like I said, the claws came out. And by the end of the third book and the start of the fourth book, she had become so unreasonably antagonistic that my annoyance of her has reached an all-time high. Like just because she lost someone important to her, she thinks she has the right to inflict pain on others as well. And I’m here, like: “Girl, have you even met Cleo?”
Spoiler: Cleo lost her boyfriend, sister, father, her whole kingdom, and her freedom all in basically the same day; but you don’t see her running around summoning a vindictive fire god and killing people, now do you? So I’m sorry I can’t be sympathetic to you, Lucia.
If she was only willing to take her privileged princess head out of the gutter for one second, she’ll realize that in this fantasy world, a good deal of characters have suffered way more than she did.
4. Liv Silver from Dream A Little Dream by Kirsten Grier
I really wanted to like this book but the main character’s actions made me DNF faster than you can say “Googling basic life skills atm.” Liv is like that main character from this one episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? that I used to like. When I was younger, I thought it was a charming lil’ ghost love story. Then I watched it when I was older and all that Valencia filter dripped away. In other words, the MC was annoyingly half-witted. If you tell her one thing, she’ll do the exact opposite. And as one might expect, it gets her into trouble, which I guess conveniently moves the plot forward.
Liv is exactly like that.
The premise of the book just seemed so enticing—four gorgeous guys walking down the hall acting like they own the place. Can I get an “Amen”? It’s so reminiscent of the Hana Yori Dango franchise that I knew I just got to read it. Then I met the character and I gradually noped (I’m making it a verb so sue me*) out of that situation.
Tell her not to do something precarious and she’ll basically swallow a blowtorch because “Why not, right?” While she never actually swallows a blowtorch—again, figurative expression—she does one stupid thing after another nevertheless.
Her stepbrother tells her not to hang around his friends because they’re dangerous, what does she do? Hangs around them and develops a crush on one of the guys. He tells her not to go to the party for her own safety, what does she do? Goes anyway because “ain’t nobody telling me what to do.” He warns her not to go with his friends who she doesn’t exactly know that well down a basement by herself because duh, that’s gravely reckless, and what does she freaking do? Take a wild guess, people.
If this was an episode in one of those crime shows, I’m betting things would go downhill really fast.
At this point, not even a neon billboard with blinking warning signs will stop this girl from doing something heedless and imbecilic. I dropped the book like a hot potato and saved myself from the tangle of mess this main character will undoubtedly create.
*Just a figure of speech, people.
